Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Tuesday Confessional

It's been years since I have been to a full block of meetings. We don't even go to sacrament meeting in our "assigned" ward. We just can't seem to bring ourselves to. Malamute isn't happy with our situation, but this blog isn't about his feelings so much as mine, so here are my feelings about our ward situation.

Most of the ward members relate better to my in-laws since it's basically a retirement community. We're really embarrassed about our living situation. It's just too painful for me to spend three hours every week with people who know me as someone's "kid". On the other hand, it leaves me feeling very lonely. Very, very lonely. I'd love to ask for a transfer of records just so I could have some kind of a fresh start, but I don't know how that will go over. I was ready to ask for a records transfer a few months ago, but then we needed help with food, so I felt trapped.

But the ward was very generous to us (especially Duckling) for Christmas. We were overwhelmed by the generosity we were shown. But still, we're kids to them. And it hurts.

I stand by everything I wrote on Sunday. This is a world of abundance. The thing I'm scared of is that we won't do what is necessary to get it. I'm afraid we'll freeze. I'm afraid of fear right now. Sometimes, I'm OK, and sometimes I'm petrified.

We're working towards getting our finances in order to get out on our own, but right now, I feel so lonely. I would love to be able to associate with people who can see me as something other than a failure who hasn't grown up.

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