Saturday, January 7, 2012
The Monday Confessional: I Probably Would Have Eloped If I Could Have
If Malamute and I could have eloped to the temple, we probably would have. Since having a nice wedding didn't seem like it was going to happen, I really wanted to elope instead. It would have been the Las Vegas Temple. If I were going to elope, I'd want to really go all the way. However, neither Malamute nor I were endowed, so it would have been pretty difficult. Between the weekly interviews and temple prep classes, getting a recommend to be endowed felt only slightly less complicated than clearing TSA to board a flight.
So that meant my wedding would involve our families, which I knew would be awkward and overwhelming. Awkward since the bride's family had recently taken out bankruptcy and the groom's family didn't want to spend much, and overwhelming because my schizophrenic mom can't keep track of her car keys, let alone plan a wedding and my MIL was too afraid of messing things up to get heavily involved in planning. And all I wanted to do was hang out with Malamute and get ready to go through the temple. So we ended up scraping the whole shebang together on about $500. As much as I wanted to elope, it was more important to Malamute and me to be married in the temple- no matter what the budget.
To be perfectly honest, not having a nice wedding has bothered me sometimes. The times it has bothered me most, though, were when I felt like Malamute and I were failures at being a married couple. I looked at other couples with their own houses or apartments, who had their job situation figured out, who weren't relying on others for money and then I looked at how these competent marriages started out with fairytale weddings (glamorous bridal portraits, expensive gown, fancy cultural hall decor, flawlessly iced cakes) and I felt humiliated about my life. "Can't you do anything right?" I would tell myself in disgust. The first four years since saying "I do" felt more like playing house.
I can count two things as successes, though. (And one is not the fact that we are still together. I don't believe that success in a marriage is determined by how long you are together. Some perfectly miserable and abusive marriages last until death.) One success is that we have helped each other build into better people- which has in turn helped us stay together. The other, of course, is Determined Duckling. I think what I really wanted out of a nice wedding was to feel special and that I could do something right. But I'm finding that I feel those things from building our photography business and working with CBT and helping Malamute and Duckling build themselves into good men. And blogging. Not many people read this blog, but I really enjoy writing, and I think that's the most important thing. The wedding just doesn't seem like as a big a deal anymore. It's important and a special day, but after all is said and done, it's still just that- an event and a day. Marriage and children are eternal.
But I also would have liked to have had one of those simple and elegant weddings with lots of family support. You know, the ones where your dad has put aside a little extra money to cover some of the expenses and your mom helps out with planning and coordinating everything but doesn't get overbearing either. And while that wedding wasn't possible for me, some day I do hope to have a daughter and be able to provide that kind of wedding for her. And you know what? I think it will be even more fun to help plan a wedding where I'm not the bride!